Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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