i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
