i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
