that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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