he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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