Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
