God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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