when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
