Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
