she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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