i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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