Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
