I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
