How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
