Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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