well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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