yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
