it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
then he tried to convert me to islam
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have so many feelings about this burrito
did i just pee glitter
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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