Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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