you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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