You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
