As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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