I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
