you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
