I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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