i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
