she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
