Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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