Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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