Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
