dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
