I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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