Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't turn off my feet"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I see more hoeing in ur future
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
