Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
