That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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