I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
