I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
