I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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