I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
