proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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