No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
