I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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