keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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