He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
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I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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