Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
