You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
