So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
