I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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