just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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