I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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