Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
