I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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