Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My ass is underappreciated
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
