I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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