Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
