you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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