i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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