I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
