Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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