drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
