I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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