I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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