I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
